Showing posts with the label Depression

Updated: Review of O2 Network - Not loyal to customers

******************* UPDATE My review of O2 went live last Saturday. On Sunday I had made further contact with O2 and they agreed to provide me with a refurbished phone. I have now received my refurbished Samsung Note 10 and replacement sim. Unfortunately, this is not a fully happy ending because I feel that the only reason I got the replacement phone is that I told them the following; 1) They can remove the data package as I would not be using it and therefore will not pay for DATA 2) They can cancel the insurance 3) they can write off the device cost as I refuse to pay for a device that I do not have. I know I lost the phone but how many of you would pay £360 (in device charges) for a device you did not have, especially as replacing the device for new would cost you more than that. Whilst I am glad they rectified the awfulness that they put me through, however, I still say if you are disabled look at them more cautiously. I do not know if I will stay with O2 at the end of my contract,

Thank You to Friends

Dear Courtney, Matt, David, Jennifer, Mathew and Lisa. You probably wont get to read this, although I will tag you in the hopes that you do. I wanted to let you know how much you all meant to me growing up. I was undiagnosed autistic and was only diagnosed at 31. I have also had a hard life. Friends was the only thing that showed me friendship and love and adoration. When I was not able to make friends, and didnt have that support network like was on the show I would watch and feel so happy. Later on in life, especially when I was diagnosed with depression and later PTSD, Friends always helps bring me out of my sadness. Infact when I was first diagnosed, I didnt know how I would survive a life of depression I would watch Friends and I realised that I had something to keep me going in the dark days. Friends saves me every time. Without friends I would struggle when I had depressive episodes. With my autism diagn

Havent blogged for a while

 So I haven't written a blog post for a while. I have been struggling but I started this blog originally so that I could share how I am feeling. So, here it goes. Relationships: I had some unsolicited advice about relationships recently. I was told, because of the way I look and that I am disabled that I should just settle for the first guy that shows interest in me. Honestly, that is something that really hurt. It's like that episode of Friends where Ross made a list about Rachel and what he likes and doesn't like about her. Rachel finds the list and says something about the things that make you insecure about yourself is something someone made a list about. That's how I felt. I didn't ask to be born autistic with asthma and dyslexia. I did not ask to develop mental health problems or spinal problems. Yet, all these things, including the weight I gained because of my disabilities and meds are what people judge me on whether I would be good girlfriend material. I do


This year has been a wild ride when it comes to loss. It has been seriously crazy with the pandemic and people have lost a lot this last year. Even worse people are not getting a chance to say goodbye. Loss is something that is hard to deal with. I have lost a lot. When I worked for the NAAFI, I lost 6 people I knew in the line of duty within a small space of time. That same year I lost my grandfather who had dementia. By this point, I had been diagnosed as having depression. I now can’t attend funerals because I have massive panic attacks. A few years later I then lost my cousin who was killed in a car accident. Honestly, loss is something that we all will experience, at some point in our lives. Unfortunately, during this pandemic people are not able to say goodbye to their loved ones. Try and remember the good times. This is something that I found helped me. Remember you will never forget them you will always have them in your heart. Remind yourself that pain is something that

Dear Dhar Mann

Before I went to bed tonight, I was watching some of your videos. Because of this, I knew I had to write this. When something gets into my head, I can’t do anything else until I get it out. I know you will probably never read this and even if you do, you probably get 1,000,000 or more letters like this, so a response is negligible. So, I am under no illusion that I will get a response which is also why I am writing it on my blog. For me, your videos have been a lifesaver. To use your words “you see”. I grew up in a family where abuse ran wild. Some people call how I feel “Middle Child Syndrome”, I call it surviving abuse. My family’s mantra was “don’t trust what she says” or “what can we blame her for”. So, I didn’t have the best family life, and still don’t. Between the abuse I suffered and the undiagnosed autism I found myself in situations as an adult that I was ill-equipped to handle. This further put a wrench in any relationship with my family. I was told in my late 20s my

Surviving Life Part 2

Yesterday I wrote about the conditions and experiences that I had in the first 20 years of my life. That was the dyslexia, autism, and the abuse I suffered. It has not been easy for me. In 2007 I was diagnosed with depression. I do not want to go into the details around it but let's just say that it was as a result of work. I was in a bad way. I took a penknife to my hand. That is how low that I got. Depression has been an ongoing battle since then however, I am now more in control of it. With depression I want to say, you can master it. You may never be completely free of it; however, you can conquer it. I am able to spot triggers within my own body and try and take corrective steps to avoid a full-blown depressive episode. I am not able to always beat it, but it is something that I would be able to have a fighting chance. June 2017 the Grenfell Tower Fire happened. I spent some time helping out at the pop-up centers. There were kids on the estate I lived on so I talked to t

Surviving Life Part 1

This is part of my story. After an amazing blog I read from my colleague about her struggles I feel inspired to write this. Warning this post is going to cover some topics, which may be a trigger to some people. I have had a very hard life. I have been a victim of sexual abuse, physical, mental and psychological abuse. I had undiagnosed dyslexia and autism. Earliest diagnosis aged 16 and the latest diagnosis of the two aged 31. I have been a victim of attempted rape and diagnosed with PTSD, Depression and developed spinal problems. I am 34 years old. I have a love-hate relationship with money and society. I guess the money issue comes from my dad. He did not care about saving money. If he had it and saw something he liked he would buy it. I never really found a great way to learn. When you are undiagnosed autistic and this is what you see all the time then you think this is “normal”. I can not count the number of times I got myself into debt. As a child, I was subjected to sexual

Bring yourself to work

It is important that you are able to bring yourself to work. People with health conditions and disabilities often feel like they are unable to bring their whole self. The reason why they feel like they can’t is because of their health. I am here to tell you, forget the stigma around your conditions and bring your whole self to work. For many years I worked on the “ideal employee” image. This never worked for me. When I would have a depressive episode, I never felt like I could talk to people and then I would internalize everything. As my conditions/disabilities worsened or more diagnoses were received I would burn out so much quicker. When I got my autism diagnosis I decided to say “F*** It I am going to open up”. This was the best thing that I could have done. I have now completed my 4 th year at my job. This is unheard of for me. The longest I had been in work prior to this was 2-2.5 years. I am now entering in my 5 th year and at the end of that my annual leave increases.

Just be you

  So, I want to tell you a funny thing that happened today. I was on the phone with someone and we were talking about my blog and my goals in life. I said to him “when I started becoming really disabled” and he laughed at how I put it. Not a mean laugh but a laugh to say it was funny. He didn’t know why that statement was funny he just found it funny. I had to laugh, still don’t know why it was funny though. I am sure this will be picked up next week.   I had been explaining to him that before “I started getting really disabled” I had these dreams and ambitions that never seemed to come to fruition. When my disability labels came in thick and fast, I was low for a while. It was at that point that I made the decision that ok, I wasn’t going to run a marathon, or be a famous actress, I am not going to write a multi-million-dollar book series or set a world record and that was ok. So, I sat down and decided what was important to me. My decision was that my life goal would be “to leave

Autism - Emotion

I do not know if this is something that all autistic people go through, I know for me I struggle with getting seriously emotional. When I get emotional people think I am weird because their response to the same situation may not be the same as mine. The most recent thing that I have been struggling with is the fact that I let my landlords down.   Since Christmas I had had problems with my health and my home care of the flat was ignored. Unfortunately, we had a rodent problem within my block and when my landlords came to check out the situation in my flat it was a mess. I was so ashamed that I had let it get so bad. I love my flat, I love my landlords, and to see the let down in their messages to me honestly, I was devastated. I am not good at social things and I can miss social queues so when I can read the sadness in their texts and the frustration honestly you know you screwed up.   But you have to make it through the bad times and hope for the best. If I can hold off until J

Its about Ability Not Disability

I have heard so many people out there who have either said "disabled people are a drain on our society" or from the disabled community in frustration to negative stereotypes just say "who the hell cares". We get lumped into this label of being disabled and people would like to forget that we exist without any further follow-up on what that label really means to the person who wears it. Do you wear your "disabled" label with Pride or Shame? I regularly end up wearing it with shame. When I get laughed at for answering a question literally. An example of this was when I had to appeal to my benefits. This is what happened: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Judge: "What would you do if you needed to go out for milk?" Me: "I wouldn't go out" Judge: "Why?" Me: " Well because I don't drink milk so I wouldn't go out to buy it" Judge: (sniggers) "Miss Fricker, you kn

Why do I support others?

 If you are reading this on my twitter, you will know all the diagnosis I have as I put them in the descriptions bar with #. But still people wonder why I care so much about supporting others. Well here is why. Dyslexia I was 16 when I was diagnosed with dyslexia and I can honestly say, I do not think I would have made it through 6th form without two amazing teachers. Mr. Phillips had me for AS Sociology and he noticed straight away that my essay skills for sociology were not that good. Out of a possible 20, I was getting 1-3s out of it. One day he pulled me aside and said I want to help you because I know you are capable of much more just your needing help. NB I had only been diagnosed as dyslexic a year at this point. From that point on when I got my homework back if the result was in the single digits he would find a free period that he and I had together. He would talk about the homework assignment and pointed out places where I could have picked up more marks. He would then tell m

The big D

You may be wondering what the big D is. Well the big D is discrimination. We had a conversation at work around the big D focussing on Race. I didnt have the mental fortitude to write this blog yesterday but today it is something I feel I must share. During this conversation with my colleagues I started hurting. My black colleagues were opening up about the pain they felt when they faced racism and it really just brought it back to me the discrimination I felt over my disabilities and starting to express my own gender identity. Their pain I had felt, for other reasons, but the pain is still there. So this post is not going to be about one particular form of descrimination. I am going to talk about my experiences and what I feel about discrimination as a whole I will start with the most recent. Through conversations with others I finally came to understand my gender identity. I am gender fluid. I was born with a womans body but I do not alw

Find your output

I have been drawing a lot recently so that I can let my frustration, love and anger out. I am not the best drawer in the world but it is a way for me to be leveled out. This is the first one where I gave a face to anything. The symbol is from supernatural but for me it is in my mind to keep the bad thoughts and feeling away. I am also using it on PTSD therapy. This is how I feel as an abuse victim. When I am safe and on my own. When I am on my own I am able break the chains and I am not a quivering wreak. This for me is how I feel around certain people. I feel soo lonely when I am around certain people. I cant break free from them and I feel they are in one place and I cant get through it. This is me trapped by badness. When I am around certain people this is how I feel. Weight down. This is how I am feeling when it comes to certain people. I am trapped in their bs. Like I said, I am not the best drawer but it lets me express

Why cant I go first some time

Why cant I go first? I know this is a selfish thing to ask but I put everyone else first ALL THE TIME! Why can't I come first, just once. Why is it always me making the sacrifice? If I could I would run away from the people who cause me so much stress and pain. Change my name, move and make sure they could never find me again. I would give up everyone I know to get the hell away from them. But I cant. No one helps me, no one says "hey you know what this person needs help, im going to help her." People just take from me. I fear that one day they will take so much that there will be nothing left for me except a smoldering wreck. Do you know what I pray for every night? I pray that one day, there will be £100,000 in my account. I would then move from where I live, speak to a solicitor about legally changing my name, close all accounts everywhere under my name and start fresh with a new identity so that the negative people in my life could not find

my life

Back to drawing again today after feeling really down. I looked at my bank balance and wondered how I was going to make it last me another 3 weeks. For me my life is always feeling like this. I am being looked upon by people who only want to see me fail. Then instead of good things happening like being financially ok, living in my own home and having a family have been made impossible. However the negative things such as disabilit are far to frequent in my life.  For me it often feels like I am going one step forward and 20 steps back. When something good finally happens in my life something else negitively impacts me to send me so far back even behind the start line that I am struggling to keep it together. I am a person of faith, I know shocking for an autistic person, and I believe that God never gives us more than we can handle. In military terms I should have been awarded the purple heart multiple times by now. It is hard when you know your struggling and have to ask f

What is Depression

Many people often talk about Depression whether they know what it is or not. So I am going to talk about it in terms of a personal view and what it really is. So what is depression? For me, I find it funny that Depression is classed as a mental health condition when it is caused by a physical thing. Depression is caused when your brain stops producing or seriously reduces the production of serotonin. This chemical helps with stabilizing your mood. If you reduce production or stop producing it all together then you can get seriously low and it then has an impact on your physical body. It can cause issues with sleep, serious fatigue, and seriously low and dangerous thoughts such as "I am better off dead". What is depression for me? I first started suffering in a noticeable way in 2007 when I knew 6 people in Iraq and Afghanistan who were killed in action. Later that year my grandfather also passed away. I got so low I took a penknife to my hand. This is the most painful type of

Mental Wellbeing, Physical Wellbeing, Financial Wellbeing

Being a shielder on my own there have been many times I have let my own wellbeing falter. My personal care has gone out of the window and I am then worried about everything else that I have to deal with. There are so many elemants to wellbeing that if one falters then the rest are sure to tumble. Take for instance, mental well being. Some times this falters because I have had a particularly confusing day at work and I start feeling down on myself, or therapy has been traumatic and I can't bring myself back to an even keel. It could also be that I feel low about being a shielder on my own. These things can have a negative impact on you that sends the rest into a tail spin. If you think out it, when you are mentally struggling you do not want to do much and are much more likely to pay for stupid things that you are unable to afford and less likely to move about and do physical activities. When I am struggling physically for instance my back is causing me so much pain I do not

Medical Stress & Suing Culture

Some people in the medical community really frustrate me beyond belief. I am asthmatic, I am autistic, Dyslexic, with Depression, PTSD and spinal problem. I have been living with my conditions for a while now and the asthma my entire life and yet, there are some medical professionals who believe they know better then me about my body. So here is why it is annoying. In 2008 I had a massive cancer scare. I had a 14cm lump in my left breast. Luckily for me it was benign but it got so big because I brushed it off. It would appear and disappear when I was having my periods. At the time my periods were so erratic that I just thought it was a by product of hormones because crazy. Until the day it did not go away and got bigger. I had to go through tests, ultra sounds and even surgery. The healing process was terrible. I vowed never to be in that situation again. Now it gets really frustrating when you speak to a medical professional and then he ignores the fact that you know what your

Welcome to my world

Welcome to my world. It is a crazy place. It is a confusing place. I am a disabled adult who is Autistic, Dyslexic, with Asthma, Depression, PTSD and Spinal Problems. This is great for being only 34 years old. I had to start a new blog because I could no longer afford my blog on Wordpress which sucked but because of COVID-19 I had to cut back. Honestly I cant be too sad about it because I am doing my part. Due to my disabilities I have had to be shielding during this COVID-19 situation. In the beginning I was really struggling with being a shielder. I wanted to go out and help people and I was stuck inside. It made me feel so low you could not imagine. What I found out however, staying inside I was helping. I was keeping a high risk person off the streets which could potentially cause problems for the health system. That helped me hugely. What I also found was I could do things from my own home. Due to my autism I struggle with food so what I was doing, I would keep th