Havent blogged for a while
So I haven't written a blog post for a while. I have been struggling but I started this blog originally so that I could share how I am feeling. So, here it goes.
I had some unsolicited advice about relationships recently. I was told, because of the way I look and that I am disabled that I should just settle for the first guy that shows interest in me. Honestly, that is something that really hurt. It's like that episode of Friends where Ross made a list about Rachel and what he likes and doesn't like about her. Rachel finds the list and says something about the things that make you insecure about yourself is something someone made a list about. That's how I felt. I didn't ask to be born autistic with asthma and dyslexia. I did not ask to develop mental health problems or spinal problems. Yet, all these things, including the weight I gained because of my disabilities and meds are what people judge me on whether I would be good girlfriend material.
I don't care about looks in the traditional sense. If I find someone attractive it doesn't matter to me whether others do or not, but, why can't men look past me outside and see me? I am better off alone if that's the way the world is. I know I am never going to get a William Petersen, George Eads, James Morrison, Shemar Moore, or Hill Harper but sometimes I wonder why can't I have someone I think is attractive and who will love me for me?
I had to rapidly change my social media account because like many people in this pandemic I have been hit both in the pocket as well as in health. I was just getting by on my salary when the pandemic hit and things went from bad to worse. I tried to crowdfund to get some of the things I need for my disabilities and got called a scammer publically. It was decided that I was a scammer because I work so shouldn't have money problems. The problem is that my salary is about £4K over the threshold for getting benefit support for say rent and council tax, but, with bills, food, etc I am barely making it through especially as I have to reapply for my disability benefit which has been stopped until a decision has been made.
I am not a scammer, and to prove that I am not a scammer and that I a legitimate, I had to use identifiable information to prove my point. The guy eventually deleted his tweet but the damage had been done. I don't know how many people saw it. This is key because I have an ex-boyfriend who, if he knows my account details start harassing me. He becomes rather stalkerish which is why baring my professional Linkedin Profile I am anonymous online. I hated having to start again but the risk that he could find me was too great so I had to.
This pandemic has hit everyone hard in the wallet. I have had to do things to cut the cost of things to survive. I live on £1 ready meals from Iceland for dinner, 60p microwave rice for lunch, a glass of milk for breakfast. I am looking at getting vitamin C for my guinea pigs which you put in the water as I can't go any cheaper in fresh food for them and they need it to you know, not die.
I have to buy an airconditioner as last year, on the hottest day of the summer my flat got up to 36 degrees C which is 96.8 degrees F. As a shielder last year I had to stay inside all the time and so I am looking at possibly (depending on the COVID-19 virus) having another summer where I have to go check the post to get fresh air as I have no garden.
I need to get a bed that doesn't have 4 broken slats on it and preferably one that is made for people with disabilities to help me get up and out of bed. I have a chest of draws that is broken and I cant replace it. I haven't been able to buy new clothes in 2 years so when winter hit I was freezing cold walking around in a blanket.
I was crowdfunding so I could get what I need to survive and no I am just hoping that my disability benefits get reinstated soon and that I hopefully won't have to go to court to get it back otherwise I could be looking at another 10 months for that decision.
It has been really stressful for me and this is why I haven't blogged in a while. but today, I felt ready to get this off of my chest.
There is a line in a song from the musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer which is "The hardest thing to do in this world, is to live in it". I am really starting to feel this now. I am one person who is trying her best and nothing ever seems good enough. I am feeling like I am doomed to fail and this pandemic has just made things so much harder.
I will get through this down phase I know I will because I know what the alternative is and I refuse to allow that alternative to existing. I guess I just wish one day someone would turn around to me and say "you know what, let me help you with what you need to survive." Alas, short of winning the lottery, probably never going to happen.