Dear Dhar Mann

Before I went to bed tonight, I was watching some of your videos. Because of this, I knew I had to write this. When something gets into my head, I can’t do anything else until I get it out.

I know you will probably never read this and even if you do, you probably get 1,000,000 or more letters like this, so a response is negligible. So, I am under no illusion that I will get a response which is also why I am writing it on my blog.

For me, your videos have been a lifesaver. To use your words “you see”.

I grew up in a family where abuse ran wild. Some people call how I feel “Middle Child Syndrome”, I call it surviving abuse. My family’s mantra was “don’t trust what she says” or “what can we blame her for”. So, I didn’t have the best family life, and still don’t.

Between the abuse I suffered and the undiagnosed autism I found myself in situations as an adult that I was ill-equipped to handle. This further put a wrench in any relationship with my family. I was told in my late 20s my own father called me a “slut”.

I grew up with a bad body image. At 12 stone and size 12 clothes I always felt fat. People told me I wasn’t, but I would look at those in my class and think, “what the hell is wrong with me” Especially when I saw girls getting boyfriends and no guy would come near me.

School was hell. Undiagnosed autism and undiagnosed dyslexia do not make for good bedfellows. I didn’t have friends and people in school would make fun of me. They would make fun of my weight, my inability to be “normal” and my bad grades. I often got called thick! My teachers did not want to hear it and told me “you’re just not applying yourself”. I wanted to cry. Numerous times I had thoughts of suicide.

Because of my bad upbringing, I was drawn to abusive boyfriends as an adult. I was even a victim of stalking. I had to enter myself into my own form of witness protection. There are places in my own country that are off-limits to me. If I went to those places my stalker ex may find a way to get back into my life.

I have subsequently been collecting diagnoses to include Autism, Asthma, Dyslexia, Depression, PTSD, and Spinal Problems (multiple summed up as spinal problems). I lost my way, the more labels I got the more lost I became. I kept saying “God, you are expecting too much from me”. With no support insight. Then the pandemic hit, and I had to shield off my own back and got into a hole financially which has now led me to be insolvent. This has been hard on me.

But it is not all doom and gloom.

In 2018 my good ex and I broke up after nearly 10 years. We knew the relationship was ending and ended as friends. But around the time of my break up, I started watching your videos.

To say the content has saved my sanity would be an understatement. Your video about “if someone is not part of your struggles they shouldn’t be part of your success” really resonated with me. I started looking at the people around me and realized that there were so many people just waiting for me to fail. I did not need that negativity.

Your content on relationships really clicked with me as my good ex had done some things that just made me feel so upset and angry. But your videos reminded me that if a guy is going to treat me like that then they are not worth my time. I would much rather be single than settle for someone who will openly flirt with others including his ex.

Your videos over walking in people's shoes resonated with me. There are a lot of people in my life who say to me “you just work in an office” it's not that hard. I tallied up one day all the work I do in a day with my disabilities playing a huge part, I don’t think they could do what I do, and still come away with a smile on their face. I am proud of that.

So, you see Dhar, in the words of Clint Eastwood in Heartbreak Ridge my life could be summed up as a “cluster fuck”. But you Dhar, your content, and your actors and actresses really teach me how to survive.

This pandemic has hit me hard mentally, physically, and financially. But your content has kept me on the positive side. Knowing that when I am down I can watch your videos and see the love and positivity that goes into them and it brings me off the edge.

You have helped me to start dreaming again. I will tell you this, my dream if I were to win the lottery or had a rich benefactor would be this. I would buy a piece of land freehold (so its all mine) and I would build a house that was suitable for me. It would have many rooms in it, and I would apply to be a foster mum. Not only would I apply to be a foster mum, but I would also apply to keep siblings together no matter their age. Whilst I know this dream is dependent on money which the pandemic has caused me to not have it is a dream. I have not had one in a long while and you are the reason that this dream was born. 

I owe you my happiness, my sanity, and my self-worth. Had I not found your videos I would probably still be feeling lost. If I am ever able to make my dream come true, I will tell you that there will always be a space at my table for you and your beautiful family.


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