Showing posts from February, 2021

Drawbacks to Meltdowns

Last night, I had a meltdown over the Pupinia Stewart Videos. I do not want to go into that disgrace for a human being again, but the meltdown was bad. One downside to meltdowns as an adult is that they are physically draining. As a child or younger years, you can recover really quickly but the older you get the harder it gets to get over them. They have a physical impact on your body because you are expelling so much energy your body takes the brunt of it. People say that it is hard to watch a meltdown. I can assure you that it is harder for people who are having the meltdown. So, today, I am feeling very drained. I feel very sleepy and don’t really want to do anything. This is not fun especially as yesterday I had a lot of energy. I hate that I have meltdowns. I REALLY HATE MELTDOWNS! My key ask to all neurotypical people out there that do not know someone with autism, please do not tell an autistic person that “It’s harder for me to watch you having a meltdown.” I can guar

Pupinia Stewart - Disgrace in a Pretty Face

Dear World,   If you watch Pupinia Stewart, please stop watching her. I am angry about her “I am acting” video where she mentions autism. I am autistic and autism is not a disease. By calling autism a disease you make it seem like it is something that needs to be cured. Whilst some people who are less functioning would probably wish they had a better ability to communicate etc some people on the other end of the spectrum don’t want a “cure” for autism. Me personally I love the highs and lows of my autism. Whilst I get really frustrated at my ultra-literalness, or the fact that my dyslexia and autism is a daily struggle in whether I am chaotic or logical, being subjected to meltdowns and hyper emotions. I do get frustrated and I am seriously not going to sit here and say I love those elements. But I love the way I think, I love the fact that people don’t see things the way I do, I love that I get really passionate about things and I am happy. Pupinia if you are autistic then you

What will the new normal be?

Now we have had a pandemic the question I have to ask what will the new normal be? My normal for the last year has been anything that is confined in my flat. I have not seen much of the outside world. When this pandemic is over everything is going to change and I think it is going to change quickly. I do not want to see the world getting into a scary place where everyone is wearing face masks after the pandemic. Will kids be more scared to interact together? Will adults refrain from physical contact? What I would like to see personally would-be offices be less focused on location of work. I think it is hilarious that in 2020 we were still being forced to work in a building when we do not have to. I would like to see more kindness in the world and that the kindness that we have seen over the last year continues. I know for me, my new normal will include going outside at least once a day even walking up and down my street a couple of times. I will locate somewhere that I can work at leas

Autism Literalness

Autism is a funny thing. We can be very literal in what we do and in how we communicate. I have been doing an online course that I found during the second lockdown in the UK. I was starting to go out of my mind, so I had to find something to keep me from going insane. However, this course has caused me to have flashbacks to school and literalness issues. Being undiagnosed autistic, I had many many issues with teachers. They would say “answer this question” so I would answer the question and get yelled at for not showing my work. My answer to this would always be “you didn’t ask me to show my working, you just asked me to answer the question”. The number of times that I got detention for this argument is unbelievable. However, now as an adult and knowing that I am autistic, I take this in a different way. Some of the feedback on the assessments I had was “This is a good start, could you please expand on your answer”. I answered the question, but they needed more explanation. Now,

Autism Mind Blow

 A couple of days ago I wrote a blog post, which was two parts, thanking celebrities for their roles in my life. Being diagnosed as autistic at the age of 31 is hard. I didn’t get the support that other people with autism get and coming from a low-income family and no friends the only thing I had going in my life was television. Books were not my friend as I was also undiagnosed dyslexic and struggled with reading dramatically. I learned from television so, what you would consider well-known concepts I had to learn from television. Therefore, I decided to write the post because I really do not think celebrities know how much they can impact someone like myself. Even today I watch shows and learn from them, whilst I do have friends now, television has become a big part of my life.   So, as an adult, the thing that I am learning from shows is acceptance of who I am. So, when I posted the first blog, I tagged the celebrities I mentioned in it on Twitter. I was not expecting any form

Legal Representation is a Necessity

Whether you like or dislike Judge Judy you can not deny that she makes a hell of a lot of sense. I just watched an episode where a woman was suing her ex-husband for ½ the cost of her son’s legal fees because he got into legal trouble. Judge Judy said to the father that he was responsible for ½ the cost for the following reasons: If a child support order is put in place and you pay X amount of dollars for necessaries that is good. When child support is fixed it is not fixed with the view that the child will get into trouble. Legal representation is necessary.  If the parents can pay for legal representation, then they should pay for the lawyer. If the parents can not afford to pay for a lawyer, then they can have a “free” lawyer. The lawyer is free to the parents but, they are paid via taxpayer money. The parting words to the parents were to make the kid get a job and pay them back. Thankfully the mum said that she had already done this. This was music to my ears. In the UK we ha

Gender Inequalities in Law

************************************* WARNING   This post is going to cover issues relating to the topic of rape. If you have been a victim of rape this post could potentially trigger you. If this could be the case, please do not read this particular post. ************************************** After witnessing an argument on social media about this topic I felt compelled to write this post. To any right-wing feminists who do not agree I don't care. Gender Inequality is not a uniquely women problem so if you have an issue with this post - deal with it. I know there are many feminists out there who claim that the world is not fair and equal for women. It is true there are many things where the gender divide is an issue. There is one particular issue however that is unequal down the gender lines and that is the issue of rape. Whilst yes, there are many inequalities in this topic for women, you can not hide the fact there are inequalities against men as well. So, what is

How Celebrities impact this Autistic Persons Life Part 2

Yesterday I wrote about actors and actresses that helped this autistic person develop into who I am. So today I am going to write about further actors and actresses who helped me. Pauley Perrett. I want to say thank you for your work as Abby Scuito. Abby was so good at being who she was. She was comfortable in her personality and her values. This always reminds me to be accepting of my difficulties. When I get into what I call Autism Crazy mode  I can feel rather negative about myself, but then I remember Abby Scuito and I start accepting myself again. Cote De Pablo. I want to say thank you for your role as Ziva David. Not only did this character go through many changes in her character's life. She was able to always pick up and move on. She changed her life a couple of times. She also later battled mental health issues which always reminded me to keep up the fight with my own mental health. Scott Bakula. Thank you for your role as Dwayne Pride. Dwayne’s loyalty and pride in

How Celebrities Impacted this Autistic Persons life.

  Celebrities don’t often know how they impact people's lives. I mean they know how the fan clubs and the die-hard fans are impacted but not everyone. So, I wanted to write this post to thank key, influential celebrities who impacted my life. So before I go into the thank you’ let me explain.   Until I was 31 I knew I was different and that I struggled with a lot. I was diagnosed at 31 years old as autistic and that made sense to me. Because I had been undiagnosed and un-supported I took a lot of what I knew about interactions and being a person from television. I often still to this day use what I see on TV to guide my actions and how I interact with people. So here we go: Lucy Lawless. Thank you for your role as Xena Warrior Princess. You impacted my life as you played the Character Xena Warrior Princess. Not only did I take from this show that women can go through tough times but they can survive them. As an abuse survivor from a young age, this was important to me. Later

Surviving Life Part 2

Yesterday I wrote about the conditions and experiences that I had in the first 20 years of my life. That was the dyslexia, autism, and the abuse I suffered. It has not been easy for me. In 2007 I was diagnosed with depression. I do not want to go into the details around it but let's just say that it was as a result of work. I was in a bad way. I took a penknife to my hand. That is how low that I got. Depression has been an ongoing battle since then however, I am now more in control of it. With depression I want to say, you can master it. You may never be completely free of it; however, you can conquer it. I am able to spot triggers within my own body and try and take corrective steps to avoid a full-blown depressive episode. I am not able to always beat it, but it is something that I would be able to have a fighting chance. June 2017 the Grenfell Tower Fire happened. I spent some time helping out at the pop-up centers. There were kids on the estate I lived on so I talked to t

Surviving Life Part 1

This is part of my story. After an amazing blog I read from my colleague about her struggles I feel inspired to write this. Warning this post is going to cover some topics, which may be a trigger to some people. I have had a very hard life. I have been a victim of sexual abuse, physical, mental and psychological abuse. I had undiagnosed dyslexia and autism. Earliest diagnosis aged 16 and the latest diagnosis of the two aged 31. I have been a victim of attempted rape and diagnosed with PTSD, Depression and developed spinal problems. I am 34 years old. I have a love-hate relationship with money and society. I guess the money issue comes from my dad. He did not care about saving money. If he had it and saw something he liked he would buy it. I never really found a great way to learn. When you are undiagnosed autistic and this is what you see all the time then you think this is “normal”. I can not count the number of times I got myself into debt. As a child, I was subjected to sexual

Bring yourself to work

It is important that you are able to bring yourself to work. People with health conditions and disabilities often feel like they are unable to bring their whole self. The reason why they feel like they can’t is because of their health. I am here to tell you, forget the stigma around your conditions and bring your whole self to work. For many years I worked on the “ideal employee” image. This never worked for me. When I would have a depressive episode, I never felt like I could talk to people and then I would internalize everything. As my conditions/disabilities worsened or more diagnoses were received I would burn out so much quicker. When I got my autism diagnosis I decided to say “F*** It I am going to open up”. This was the best thing that I could have done. I have now completed my 4 th year at my job. This is unheard of for me. The longest I had been in work prior to this was 2-2.5 years. I am now entering in my 5 th year and at the end of that my annual leave increases.

We have a responsibility.

People have a need to be online and be influential. People want to help especially those who are following crimes around the world. I am watching the “Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel” on Netflix and there has been something that I have noticed that I need to speak about. This story is around the disappearance and death of Elisa Lam at the Cecil Hotel. The LAPD investigated the disappearance and when her body is found, her death. It was ruled accidental drowning caused by her Bi-Polar disorder. The problem with this case was the internet sleuths who jumped onto the case. The internet detectives locked onto a singer called Morbid as her killer. This is not the case. Morbid had evidence to prove that he was not in the hotel when Elisa Lam died but the internet detectives did not like this, and it would not sway them. When you do not have all the facts then you are able to leap to the wrong conclusions. It does not help that the LAPD has not released the case files from her case but h

Autism Independence Day

  It has been 3 years since I got my autism diagnosis. 3 years of freedom. You may think it weird that I call it 3 years of freedom, but my diagnosis was freedom. It is my Independence Day. 1 February 2018 was my July 4 th . Again, you may not get it so let me explain it. Pre 2018 I knew that I was different. I did not know why I was different and sometimes the differences got me into a hell of a lot of trouble. I did not understand, and I kept a lot of myself to myself as when I let it out, I often got negative feedback from others, so I would lock it away. Ask my family, my activities outside of work would be to sit in my room and only come out when I needed a smoke, the bathroom or something else. Other than that, I would just sit in my room. I can honestly say people didn’t really get to know me until I got my diagnosis because I did not feel comfortable. Even my ex did not really know me that well because he would get annoyed with my “crazy” behavior. I am now able to embrac

Just be you

  So, I want to tell you a funny thing that happened today. I was on the phone with someone and we were talking about my blog and my goals in life. I said to him “when I started becoming really disabled” and he laughed at how I put it. Not a mean laugh but a laugh to say it was funny. He didn’t know why that statement was funny he just found it funny. I had to laugh, still don’t know why it was funny though. I am sure this will be picked up next week.   I had been explaining to him that before “I started getting really disabled” I had these dreams and ambitions that never seemed to come to fruition. When my disability labels came in thick and fast, I was low for a while. It was at that point that I made the decision that ok, I wasn’t going to run a marathon, or be a famous actress, I am not going to write a multi-million-dollar book series or set a world record and that was ok. So, I sat down and decided what was important to me. My decision was that my life goal would be “to leave

Spreading Kindness

  So, I know that the title makes kindness sound like a virus “spreading kindness”.   I am not considering kindness as a disease. It is something that does not have to be a big act of sacrifice. It does not have to be a public act of kindness. It does not have to get you anything for it. Spreading kindness is doing something to make at least one person smile.   Things you can do to spread kindness out there:   Tag a friend on social media who has been amazing to you and praise them for their amazingness. Listen to people who are struggling. Not trying to fix the problem unless you can but listening to them. Share your love with as many people as you can.   Spread some kindness out there to people.  

Financial difficulties and COVID-19

  I wanted to write about financial difficulties and COVID-19.   There have been a number of people who have been affected financially by COVID-19. Those who live alone and been affected could have dramatically been impacted. Others have one or all family members losing their job because of closures of businesses or health issues.   My situation is that pre covid my cost of living was decreased because when I had to work in London I would stay with my parents. I would book my travel at off-peak times and only have to cover transport to the office and back to my parents. My mum would drive me to and from the train station. Because of this, my cost of living was lower as my parents covered food etc. COVID-19 meant that I had to stay in Kent and having to spend more money on living. I then got screwed by a supermarket. There was a screw up on the website and they would not refund me money for not getting my food. This then put me behind on bills which then cost me a lot of sanity.

Abuse and by-standers

I had a boyfriend once who said to me after watching a TV show about abuse survivors, “why did they not just leave, I would have”. This statement really makes me angry because it is a mentality that some people have having never gone through it.   Abuse survivors don’t start off with being abused. Everything seems normal at first and the abuser starts off slow. They may want you by their side all the time or regularly check in with you multiple times during the day.   From there abusers can get worse. It can start with denigration, isolation, and controlling finances. By the time you realize what is going on you have no connections to anyone outside and your afraid of what will happen. If the abuse turns violent it can lead you to fear for your life. It can make you afraid for your life if you stay and if you leave. Often not knowing what would happen if you left causes such concern that you stay just because you don’t want to find out what would happen.   By this stage in

When the system lets you down

I know that Kathy Swanson is never going to read this. I just felt that I had to write this blog post.   I just watched an episode of Evil Lives Here.   For those who do not know it is a show where family members of people who were evil monsters tell their side of the story and what they saw. When someone is proved to be a monster the family is often blamed. This is why I love the show because it shows that the families are the victims as well.   I just watched season 6 episode 1 which is Kathy Swanson’s story. Her son Michael killed convenience store clerks really rather randomly. In this episode, I get so angry though. Not because of the family but because of what happened to the family. They saw the signs and tried to get help. They were absolutely terrified of their son and even had to implement safety measures around the house to keep them safe. They went to multiple organizations and said “we need help” because of their sons seriously disturbing behavior and they were