I Wish

As a kid, when it was your birthday you parents would tell you to "Make a wish" when you blew out your candles. I remember mine were always all over the place. I wanted to be a dancer, a singer, an actress, a soldier, a missionary, a teacher, a spy, a millionaire and many many things along this line. Somehow the transition into adulthood changes a person and what means most to them. They go from wishing for aspirations to begging for instant gratification.

How many women out there "wish" for Mr Right and settle for Mr Right Here? I was guilty of it too! 

The saddest thing for me to realise however is that my wishes are no longer about dreams but survival! In this last month of lockdown I have kept track of my wishes and it makes me sad. I will share some of the things I have wished for.

1) to win the lottery to be able to pay off my crippling debt.
2) if I don't win the lottery, a flood to destroy my flat so I can get a full pay out on my content insurance to clear my debt.
3) that I could get a promotion so I have more money coming in.
4) to have some rich person or someone famous to notice my struggle and donate to my survival!
5) that people will call me at Christmas so I am not all alone.
6) that I could find somewhere cheaper to live and more disabled friendly so if the hard work I am currently putting in does not pay off I am not stuck in the flat because the potential wheelchair I may end up in cant do stairs.

Unlike the wishes I made as a child this month, all my wishes have been about survival. 2020 has been a hard year for everyone and those of us who have been hit hard but are not eligable for help are left stranded.

It is saddening to see the death of hope but thats what I see happening every day, I just look in the mirror and see the hope fade away. I am now feeling just numb and in the words of Buffy The Vampire Slayer "I want the fire back" but unless the financial disaster I am in is rectified I dont think that fire will be back any time soon. When you get to this stage no matter how much you help people you just feel like your going through the motions. You could be talking someone out of suicide or befriending someone so their not alone but then you turn off your computer and phone and you all alone and the numbness comes back.

If any celebrity, rich person, or someone who is able to help sees this I would like to Challenge you to find someone only who is begging for help be it emotional, financial or environmental help and comit an act of kindness that will change their lives. This is not a call for you to help me! I know I am struggling but there are worse off people then I. 

Dont say "oh I donated to this charity, whilst you have a fan who follows you, who because of COVID has had to max out her credit card to eat, still had to work and thus not been eligable for help" there are many stories out there of people who continued to work in offices and front line work and were excluded from financial assistance. Find a fan of yours find out what they need and gift them that help!

Now you may be wondering why I said I am not asking to be considered. The answer honestly is, because I need to much. Financially alone I need about £30,000 to get rid of the debts that have accrued because of COVID. I need about £10,000 to get the equipment and furniture I need to avoid ending up in a wheelchair. Equipment that the NHS do not fund. I have worked through this pandemic but I work in a place where I earn too much for benefits and not enough to survive on easily. Often making the choice between eating properly and eating cheaply. Instead of home cooked meals, ready meals. My need is too much.

Let's work together to bring hope back into the lives of people!. 

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