I am tired.
I am tired of being so jumpy when I hear a siren. I am tired of not being able to see anything about fire and freaking the hell out.
In short ladies and gents I am tired.
PTSD takes it out of you. The trauma you try to deal with is like a vice that you just can quite pry off you. When you have a trigger the vice feels like it is going to rip you apart and leave nothing but a bowl of mush behind. It can leave you in flood of tears and you are a blubbering wreck. It is exhausting and it is painful and it makes you hate yourself because you are doing your best but it never seems like there is an end to it.
I am tired. I just want to be better. I want the brain to process the events of Grenfell Tower Fire so when I am triggered I do not feel like I am back in that june morning. I want to be able to do training where fire is not warned about on the schedule of modules but you dont turn into a blubbering wreck when it comes up.
I am tired, so very very tired.