Showing posts from August, 2020

I bet they did not know....

 So this is me writing about something random.  As someone who was born in the wrong decade and got missed as a child for the autism diagnosis, I watched a lot of television. It informed me of how to behave in the real world... Sometimes I got it right, other times I got it incredibly wrong. But I have always wondered if the writers of these shows knew how much their shows help in today's world. Some times in the most bizarre ways. I have been undergoing CBT therapy for PTSD and we are at the stage where we update the memory. You bring things in that you know now, to bring down the emotional element of the memory. You can use anything that will help you the trick is that it has to mean something to you. For me, I used two things that I knew from TV that meant something to me. Anti-Possession Symbol For those of you who are Supernatural fans, you will know the symbol I mean. Dean and Sam have it tattoed on them. Always nice to see the symbol.  The symbol is to stop demons and angels

Why do I support others?

 If you are reading this on my twitter, you will know all the diagnosis I have as I put them in the descriptions bar with #. But still people wonder why I care so much about supporting others. Well here is why. Dyslexia I was 16 when I was diagnosed with dyslexia and I can honestly say, I do not think I would have made it through 6th form without two amazing teachers. Mr. Phillips had me for AS Sociology and he noticed straight away that my essay skills for sociology were not that good. Out of a possible 20, I was getting 1-3s out of it. One day he pulled me aside and said I want to help you because I know you are capable of much more just your needing help. NB I had only been diagnosed as dyslexic a year at this point. From that point on when I got my homework back if the result was in the single digits he would find a free period that he and I had together. He would talk about the homework assignment and pointed out places where I could have picked up more marks. He would then tell m

The Power of Goodness

 There is a power of goodness that we can harness in ourselves but not everyone considers it worthwhile to harness. The power of goodness comes from being as helpful as you humanly possibly be. It does not have to be something massive, it can be small acts that can harness the power of goodness in you. For me, I am doing some autumn cleaning in my flat and I am looking at how I can upcycle or donate what I am giving away will help others. I am looking at what I have and if I can donate it somewhere I will. An example is, I have many teddy bears and food to donate to a food bank so I am looking to see if they will take both. The food would be for those in need of it and the teddys can be given to customers who had kids or even to volunteers that they could have for theirs.  It is not something that has to be AMAZING. You only have to do what you can do. It is not something that you have to take out of your way but honestly, the rewards are amazing.  I am someone who needs to help. It is

PTSD Tiredness

 I am tired. I am tired of being so jumpy when I hear a siren. I am tired of not being able to see anything about fire and freaking the hell out.  In short ladies and gents I am tired. PTSD takes it out of you. The trauma you try to deal with is like a vice that you just can quite pry off you. When you have a trigger the vice feels like it is going to rip you apart and leave nothing but a bowl of mush behind. It can leave you in flood of tears and you are a blubbering wreck. It is exhausting and it is painful and it makes you hate yourself because you are doing your best but it never seems like there is an end to it.  I am tired. I just want to be better. I want the brain to process the events of Grenfell Tower Fire so when I am triggered I do not feel like I am back in that june morning.  I want to be able to do training where fire is not warned about on the schedule of modules but you dont turn into a blubbering wreck when it comes up. I am tired, so very very tired.

22nd Amendment

 I always thought the rule on American politicians only running two terms was something that had been in the constitution since the beginning of the formation of the United States.  I am reading a book, however, and I am learning a bit more about the History of the States. I find it so funny that when George Washington declined to run for a 3rd term stating that no President should serve for more than two terms he didn't see fit to get it put into the constitution. On a country with a codified constitution to have an unwritten rule that people followed seems rather absurd to me. You have something that is in writing including the right to bear arms but something so powerful as how long a President can serve is not. It was not until Rosevelt decided to ignore this unwritten rule and serve a 3rd term. It was only when this happened that the American government put the 22nd Amendment in. How, is this possible? I do believe that it is something that is amazing though. Sometimes I wish

breaking down the walls

 The world is a cruel place when you are different. As someone with disabilities, even when I only knew about one, I had to deal with discrimination. The private sector is only a good place to work if you know your rights when it comes to being disabled. The reason for this is because you can hold the company to account if they fall down on the equalities act. I did not know what my rights were so I got battered and bruised by the private sector. The problem is that I built up these walls and learned some bad habits because of my disabilities. Now, I have to work on how I  can break down these walls. I now work in a place that is supportive but it is difficult to remember that. I feel like I have to make sure that I can be professional whilst also doing my work. I do not need to be always talking about my disabilities. I am proving my worth with the work that I am doing. When you have amazing supportive work you just need to be you and not relate everything back to your disabilities.

Tired of explaining

 There are so many thing in this world that I love explaining. For example I love explaining the face mask pee theory. I dont know why but I find the explanation hilarious as it is talking about peeing in people... I know childish, please don't judge. The thing that I am however tired of explaining is dyslexia and autism. I dont like the idea that just because you have a disability you shouldn't use social media, so I do often...I guess you can tell if your reading this. But when it comes to interacting to others I find I am always either having to preempt "This is my opinion, I hope you understand, I just want to say I am autistic and dyslexic so if I have caused offense it is unintentional and I would like to apologise in advance".  If I am not preempting then its an apology post confusion "really sorry, I misunderstood what you said, please except my apologies I am autistic and dyslexic. I did not mean to cause offence so if I have I am sorry".  Some peop

The big D

You may be wondering what the big D is. Well the big D is discrimination. We had a conversation at work around the big D focussing on Race. I didnt have the mental fortitude to write this blog yesterday but today it is something I feel I must share. During this conversation with my colleagues I started hurting. My black colleagues were opening up about the pain they felt when they faced racism and it really just brought it back to me the discrimination I felt over my disabilities and starting to express my own gender identity. Their pain I had felt, for other reasons, but the pain is still there. So this post is not going to be about one particular form of descrimination. I am going to talk about my experiences and what I feel about discrimination as a whole I will start with the most recent. Through conversations with others I finally came to understand my gender identity. I am gender fluid. I was born with a womans body but I do not alw

Covid-19 - and Unbiased Unpolitical opinion

There are lots of people out there who are making assumptions about COVID-19 and still people are claiming it to be the flu so I am here to tell you from first hand experience what a nasty case of COVID-19 feels like I came down with symptoms very quickly. One minute I was putting away a food shop and the next minute I could not stop coughing. At first I brushed it off as "oh x went down the wrong way" "oh I was pushing myself". But I could not brush it off for long because I started having full on coughing fits. I was coughing so much I barely had time to catch my breath. That is when I realised something was seriously wrong. I immediately checked my tempreture and my heart sank when I saw it. I always take my temp in both ears and one was 37.9 and the other was 38.1. I immediately thought, COVID. I called our emergency services who sent me through to the local covid team. I was terrified. This was back at the very beginning where th

Stopping COVID-19 The reality

Dear Mr Johnson and the UK There are so many storys about what will happen if an when a local lockdown is enacted or even more dramatic a national lockdown. But no hard facts as yet. The reality of it is that this country needs to be ashamed. We are an Island and we are being shown up by countries like New Zealand who have had zero infection rate in over 100 days. Pretty sure their a smaller country then ours and yet we cant get it together. Part of the reason they have had such success is that they didnt go through the whole Mass immunisation theory that you did Mr Johnson. Covid hit them and they locked down immediately. Your delay has been a serious over sight. Now I have been shielding since I had COVID-19 in March and have underlying health conditions that the COVID team told me to shield and I said fine. But it has given me a unique and I mean unique look at what is happening in this country. I have seen so much stupidity over this

Risk Assessing

Now that shielding has ended and I am allowed to go out more, I have to risk assess everything. You may think "oh she is over exaggerating!" It's safe to go outside more. The truth is, whilst the infection rate is low it is safer then back in March but for people like me, who have underlying health conditions its still not safe. Because I was a shielder, I only feel safe outside with a mask on. Even though I struggle with the texture of them it is wearing it or staying in doors and becoming an agoraphobic which I do not want to do, especially because I live alone. When I go outside, because of social distancing measures shops have removed their benches from the shopping centers. These benches allowed me to go and shop in many store whilst being able to sit when I needed to because of my back. Without these benches I can only do one shop a day. Because of the heat, and the fact I have to wear a face mask I cant go out if the tempreture hits


When you are being stalked it is not fun. Most people believe in the media hype that it is someone who you do not know or someone you barely know and it can get dangerous from there. This is not always the case. You can be stalked by someone you know and someone you care about. The damage does not always have to be physical it can be psychological as well. I have an ex boyfriend. We had a weird relationship where it would start and stop any time he wanted. I never had a say in it, not really. We would break up and he would turn on the charm 6 months to a year down the line and I would fall for it every time. I thought it was love but it wasnt. It was dependancy on him. He made me think that he is the only person who would truely love me. It hurt like hell every time we broke up. This ladies and gents is also a form of abuse. The most recent time he came back in my life when I was with someone. It started off innocently enough. We were talking about thing


There are many doubters out there who say, "COVID IS JUST LIKE THE FLU". I am here to tell you that if you had it as bad as I did, you will know this is a pile of shit!. If you are lucky enough to get it mildly then yes it can feel like the flu. However, if you are one of the ones who are more suceptible to getting it worse then it is seriously not like the flu. It is so much worse. I have had the flu and I have had COVID-19 badly and I can say, it is not like the flu. When I had it it came on quickly. I just started coughing and I measured my tempreture and it was above the range their telling you to report. I called the 111 line and they told me I was symptomatic. I could hardly do anything. Just walking to the phone I was winded. If you saw my flat, it is not that big. Just talking made me feel like I would pass out. I was sleeping for 15 hours at a time. This is nothing like the flu. I was so bad that the doctor that was calling me every day

The Environment

It is funny that I am writing this but it is important that we pay attention. Just like COVID-19 the environment is being majorly affected by the stupid people of the world. We need to protect our environment but there are some people who just do not give a damn and want to do what ever they want and that is how things like increase of eathquakes, vulcanos and storms. If people want to run this planet into the ground then maybe they should all go and live on the international space station and let those of us who want to take care of the planet do so. We cant let this planet die. We do not have the capability to move to another one or even find one. It is important that we do things like plant bee friendly flowers, stop cutting down trees and look after the planet. Why are we still not able to find sustainable energy to run things that would not kill the planet. We need more people using solar power of wind power. Lets take care of our planet before we find

Ignorance is running rampant

I came back to my flat on Wednesday and I have to say I am feeling really angry that ignorance is running wild. I am Gender Fluid. I feel comfortable more when I shave my hair and let it grow back. The reason for this is because girls can have short hair and obviously men do to. When it grows it is good for winter as it can keep my head warm and when it is long enough I can do fun things like pig tails, pony tails, braid and it can be fun. Again, in the heat it is again a benefit. When I was on the train, someone came on the train in the carrige behind me and walked through mine. He said to his companion "look at this freak, shaved head and boob tube on". I could not believe it. I chose not to react but when someone is making comments about my appearence without knowing me that to me is rampant ignorance. This wound me up even more because the person who did not pay attention to the face mask on the train. He spent the whole ride without it and only

autism and celebrities

Sometimes being autistic provides more clarity to me in some things. One thing in particular the the logic and litteral thinking about celebrities. People out there who hero worship actors and actresses is great. It helps boost revenue for shows and brings people together. Unfortunately for me I dont hero worship celebrities. The reason for this is because, so many people already do it the likelihood you will stand out in a crowd is 1 million to 1. It also for me as someone who struggles is disheartening when you see celebrities 1with so much and you work your ass off and do what you can for people and all you get is past due bills and broken dreams. Another reason is because what is the likelihood that a big famous superstar looks at you and says I want to whisk you off your feet. Holywood is the beautiful peoples club for dating and us mere mortals are ignored. One day, and I know this will never happen, ai wish a celebrity would look at me and deem me worthy to support even as an an


To all the Bone Heads of the United Kingdom Please could you stop being stupid? I am a British Citizen living in the UK and having to shield. The reason why we are starting to get a second peak is because of you Bone Heads. Even if you say "oh, its only localised" it does not matter. Whether there is a local lockdown of a national lock down, the people who get mostly affected are those of us who shield. When there is a flare up it will be shielders inside and dont come out till we say so. So when you get to go back to being bone heads the shielders are still stuck inside! Just because lock down is being eased does not mean that the pandemic is over and done with so why dont you stop thinking of yourselves and start thinking about the good of you and your neighbour! These flare ups of COVID-19 is because you decided to flock to the beaches. You decided to run to the pub like you had never had a pint of beer or a glass of wine before. You decided to