my life

Back to drawing again today after feeling really down. I looked at my bank balance and wondered how I was going to make it last me another 3 weeks.

For me my life is always feeling like this. I am being looked upon by people who only want to see me fail. Then instead of good things happening like being financially ok, living in my own home and having a family have been made impossible. However the negative things such as disabilit are far to frequent in my life. 

For me it often feels like I am going one step forward and 20 steps back. When something good finally happens in my life something else negitively impacts me to send me so far back even behind the start line that I am struggling to keep it together.

I am a person of faith, I know shocking for an autistic person, and I believe that God never gives us more than we can handle. In military terms I should have been awarded the purple heart multiple times by now.

It is hard when you know your struggling and have to ask for help. If I was a gambler I would try my luck but I am too logical to do that. For every pound I waste on gambling I loose the ability to feed myself. I wish I could just win the lottery. It would not even have to be the millions, just £30-£40K and I would be able to get myself into a position where I could truly take care of me. But to win I would have to play and I can't justify that cost.

Maybe one day someone rich will see my blog and I will wake up to money in the bank or a PayPal transaction. Sometimes I wish there would be a celebrity who would take pity on me and give me something, payable based on the loyalty of being a fan but that won't ever happen. 

When you live your life right and still bad things happen it makes you wonder why you keep fighting to live a good life...

I can honestly say, the black hole is a lot closer today :(


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