Love - Do Autistic, disabled, abuse survivors get to have it?

I have often wondered about love. I was raised up to believe that Marriage would make the world a brighter and shineier place to be. If you grew up in the house I did you would also know that this is an ilogical concept. My parents did what most parents of their generation did when the relationship ended, they stayed together for the kids and that was always probably the worst thing in the world they could do. You grew up knowing they basically hated each other and that they were unfaithful to each other but there was nothing you could do. I thought I would have been better off if they broke up. So to say that my education about love was tainted would be an understatement. Factor in the fact I was undiagnosed autistic then you have yourself a cocktail for disaster.

My dating life was marred by what I was used to. I was drawn to people who were abusive and those did not end well. Because I had no social support when it came to the opposit sex I also found myself getting used by men who just wanted a shag and then went back to their lives leaving me with a huge hole inside me. I thought this was all I was good for.

So now I am a lot older, and more physically and mentally challenged. I finally have my autism diagnosis and on top of this I am single. My mind still goes back to the days where I didnt know what I was doing. Now I wonder, who the hell would want to be saddled with an overweight, autistic with mental and physical disabilities. I could not imagine anyone who would want to be lumbered with me.

Is love just something that is beyond my grasp?

Maybe I am just being too hard on myself, but autism alone is a lot to handle with the perpensity for being litteral, risks of meltdowns, stimming and self-soothing, how can you expect someone to handle the negative aspects of autism? I had one guy who wanted to try but he was 21 years old. How could I concionably take away this poor kids 20s just to not feel alone? I really would not want to do that to him.

I think for me, the only plan is to get myself a bunch of pets and be the crazy pet lady. Love is just something out of my reach.


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